Sometimes life makes no sense. 

I’m 28 years old. And it was a year ago I got my first boyfriend. I was excited too. See I’d spoken to guys before, but not guys that I’d been serious about. Just guys I liked, but knew I could never have a future with. 

Now it wasn’t because I was just playing around, but the guys I had been talking to weren’t Christian and even though I liked them, I knew that it couldn’t truly work. I met these guys online and I made sure it stayed that way.

But then one day in the midst of all the anxiety and fear, I was asking God to send me a man. I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted the experience of what it would be like to truly have a man that cared about me. And just before the year ended, in walks Mr. man. 

We started out as friends and that was great, but even as friends I found myself drawn to this man. I didn’t want to like him, but I found that I did like him. And so I prayed about it and the more I prayed, the more I found myself drawn to this man. 

I had my first kiss, which was weird. And I quickly fell in love. 

I’ve always wanted to be in a relationship, but I never actually wanted to be with a man. I found it… weird and… I stayed away from men. They weren’t safe, but there was something different about this man. 

I wanted him and he wanted me too. 

And so I kept praying about it and the more I prayed, the stronger the attraction got until it became unbearable. I had to be with him. 

In a few months, things were going well. He met my parents, my family knew him. Everyone liked him. I was thrilled. My first boyfriend and he was going to be my last. I had little worry. I had prayed. God gave me the go ahead. 

I had decided that I wouldn’t do anything in my life without praying about it first. And I was glad I had because I had never met a man like this before. He was perfect.

Well almost. Sometimes he talked way too much and me being quiet, ended up getting drowned out a lot, but I didn’t mind. I wanted to hear him talk. I loved hearing him talk.

Everything was great and everything would be great. I just needed more of him. Seeing him once a week wasn’t enough. Seeing him twice a week wasn’t enough. I loved him and there wasn’t anyone that I’d wanted more. 

What I did want more was him. I wanted more of him. All of him. I didn’t believe in soulmates, but I finally found The One for me. God had dropped him right into my lap and I was beyond relieved.

I was going through a lot during the relationship though. Many nights I thought I would die, the anxiety was so bad. I was scared poopless. Literally. I would be scared that I would be peeing and pooping. I would lose feeling in my hands and my legs. I couldn’t breathe. My chest hurt. My heart seemed to not be working.

I wanted to talk about it. I wanted him to be there for me to help me out of it. I wanted to tell him about how I was feeling. I wanted his perspective on the thoughts I was having. I wanted him to be my covering. I wanted us to be emotionally connected. I wanted emotional intimacy.