Learning the Hard Way

Sometimes when I think about my stupid moments, the cringe is almost unbearable. And the memories sometimes put me on my knees ‘cause father forgive me. 

But when I was younger I stubbornly decided that I would save myself for marriage. From the moment I was old enough to understand sex, this was a goal that I set in my heart. I was so resolute in my decision that I took it so far as to stay away from boys and men completely. And when I say stay away, I mean I stayed away.

I was running from these men. 

I can’t even understand why I was like that but, if a member of the male species talked to me, my first thought was can I help you? But when I tell you I was not interested in helping, know that I did not care. It was pretty bad, but in those situations my stubbornness was a gift. It kept me out of unnecessary troubles or issues. 

Now, in the same way it kept me out of issues, it also kept me out of some blessings.

If I felt led to do something, but didn’t want to do it, you know that it was not done. And I felt led to do so many things when I was younger, but I allowed my fear and overthinking to keep me from doing it all.

One of the most significant moments where I was led to do something was back in college. I went to Rutgers University for my bachelors. Shout out RU Ra-Ra gang!

And so I dipped. I crossed the street and made my way to wait for the bus like a good college student.

A month later, I saw her again at the student center. We made eye contact and there it was again. 

She wished that she could talk to me. She longed for friendship, not from me particularly, but I saw that she wanted that relationship with anyone.

I didn’t feel so bad this time because her energy was different. Even though she was desperate, she was also resigned; it was almost as though she had accepted my rejection. That was all the excuse I needed.

I had a paper to write, so I ignored her again.